One universal spouse

A Solomonic solution?

To solve the health care crisis, legalize polygamy and gay marriage. Here’s how it works.

President Obama marries everyone. About 20% of his supporters are already sold on this idea, and need read no more.

Others think it’s a fine idea in theory, but fear it would be logistically impossible to have 300,000,000 people say vows, even with help from ACORN. As it turns out, the only people who have anything to say are 67 senators, five members of the supreme court, and President Obama to say “You I will.”

Now it will only be a marriage of convenience, so for people who aren’t enthusiastic about the idea for its own sake, what’s the point?

A cradle-to-grave solution

We all get free health insurance as his dependents, and there’s the crisis resolved. As a bonus, there will only be one tax return, with one massive deduction for his ~300,000,000 dependents. The money saved on income taxes nation wide will pay for any additional medical costs.

There’ll be no more out-of-wedlock births, because everyone will be married; no more divorce, because who would want one? The president as universal spouse gets power of attorney, so there’ll be no more trouble about living wills, no more messy end-of-life issues. With only one estate, inheritance taxes can be abolished.

Of course, we’d only get the allowance “Dad” chose to give us, but that’s already the case.

It comes in pints?

Why?

It’s a really bad idea for NASA to go back to pounds and feet. Metric road signs would be a nuisance here in the US, and I don’t want to have to figure out what a kilo of apples is. But out in space, like on the International Space Station, everyone needs to use the same units.

Aptitude test

Senator Roland Burris wasn’t offering to get money for Governor Blagojevich in exchange for being appointed to President Obama’s vacated US Senate seat. That stuff the federal agents secretly recorded was just talk – an attempt to ‘placate’ Blagojevich’s brother.

I had my doubts, but it turns out Roland Burris is fully qualified for his job after all. In fact, he’s overqualified. He’s clearly UN material. Maybe a post on the North Korean or Iranian negotiating team could be arranged.

It’s not my fault

Report: Increasing Number Of Educators Found To Be Suffering From Teaching Disabilities

Exercise

There are two ways to write about exercise. You can say what you did, or what you will do. For example:

Prospective

Blogging is going to be light, ’cause I’m going to be hitting it hard for the next 16 weeks. Mornings will be for cardio intervals: wind sprints MWF, and hard laps in the pool TThSat. Afternoons, it will be weights – Monday and Thursday I’ll do upper body, Tuesday and Friday, lower body. Wednesday and Saturday I’ll relax with some long slow distance on the bike. That and my eating plan – fruits and veggies, lean meat, a piece of whole grain toast or a bowl of plain oatmeal once a day – should bring my cholesterol under 150 and my body fat to basically zero.

Retrospective

My last deliberate extended rest period was a success. I didn’t gain much more weight than I expected, and I re-read all the Harry Potter books. The last couple were pretty heavy. Tomorrow, my recipe for stuffed spaghetti pizza.

I haven’t decided exactly what program to follow this summer. I’ll post an update later, by August for sure.

A one-ton tomato

The Senate voted 90 to 6 not to close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. I confess I don’t understand this. The Democrats have spent the last many years fulminating against it, ran promising to close it, and won. They’re in charge of the House, the Senate, and the Presidency, as I may have mentioned a time or two. This isn’t a couple of recalcitrant Democrats supporting the Republicans. Nearly every senator voted against closing it. 90%, if my math is correct. So the Guantanamo closure funding is on hold. Is it common sense, cynical politics, or just insanity?

Whatever, the Democrats need a way out, and I have one.

1. Close it. Yay! The Democrats keep their promise and humanity triumphs.
2. Leave the doors locked. The Democrats protect American voters from a bunch of murderous misogynist bigots.
3. Change the signs from “Guantanamo Bay” to “Happy valley.” Run and win with the slogan “He kept his word. He kept us safe.”
4. Send me money for writing the slogan. Everybody wins.

But seriously…

Victor Davis Hanson observes (h/t)

“I think we now have come to the end to the five-year left-wing attack theme of Bush ’shredding the Constitution.’

“Except for the introduction of euphemisms and a few new ballyhooed but largely meaningless protocols, there is no longer a Bush-did-it argument. The Patriot Act, wiretaps, e-mail intercepts, military tribunals, Predator drone attacks, Iraq, Afghanistan — and now Guantánamo — are officially no longer part of the demonic Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld nexus, but apparently collective legitimate anti-terrorism measures designed to thwart killers, and by agreement, after years of observance, of great utility in keeping us safe the last eight years.” — And Then There Was Only Guantánamo . . .

Not Obama’s fault

“We cannot blame the president for this one. During his campaign for president, Mr. Obama spoke honestly about the aggressive pro-choice agenda he intended to pursue — as he assured Planned Parenthood, he was “about playing offense,” not defense — and his actions have been consistent with that pledge. If only our nation’s premier Catholic university were as forthright in advancing its principles as Mr. Obama has been for his.” — Obama Scored Big at Notre Dame

The bucks stop somewhere, eventually

President Obama realizes the federal government’s long-term deficit spending isn’t sustainable. The Democrats in congress know it too. They mean to spend while they can and hope for the best, just like the Republicans before them. At least someone else will be left holding the bag – congressional terms are only for two years. As in so many other things, the difference between Democrats and Republicans is rhetoric, degree, and emphasis.

What does the government do with all the money it borrows? Sure, some is frittered away on useless public works and studies revealing the obvious. But how many bridges to nowhere does one country need? Most of the money is taken from one person and given to another. The dollars go to Washington for a haircut, then come back home, tidy and trim. We’re mortgaging our children’s future for nothing in particular – not even a mess of pottage, but a Super Suck of fizzy sugar water, and a large fries. We can do better.

World domination

We should borrow as much as we can, build up the Army, then declare war on everyone and repudiate the debt. This plan has a lot of advantages.

• The US Treasury gets a big windfall from not having to service the debt. The resulting improved federal balance sheet will raise the US credit rating, and reduce borrowing costs. It’s counter-intuitive.
• Whoever is in office at the time gets to be Caesar, Pharaoh, and King of Asia.
• All the unemployed Americans get a good job with Uncle Sam.
• Everyone gets American citizenship, without having to cross the border – In Imperial America, the border will come to you.
• No more imported oil – it will all be domestic production.

(Here’s a word of warning. If the Army offers to send you to school for two years to learn French, that doesn’t mean Paris. Think “French-colonial pest hole.” Being an Imperial Officer likely won’t be as grand as it sounds like it should. I’m just sayin’.)

Of course, that’s all a fantasy of Pelosian proportions, though with fewer inconsistencies. No such world-spanning American empire would be sustainable.

But then neither is Medicare.

Q and A

An unfair juxtaposition

But I’m making it anyway.

• “So why do I have more confidence in McDonald’s than I do in our denomination’s marketing efforts?” — Shane Raynor, $13,699 A Day: What the UMC Could Learn From McDonald’s
• “A young person will not give his or her life for a question mark. A young person will give his or her life for an exclamation point.” — Archbishop Timothy Dolan, Proudly Pro-Choice on Education

Germany

Again noted with approval

“Germany’s highest court has upheld a law which makes it illegal for anyone to use more than two last names.” — German triple-barrelled ban holds, h/t